"The Science of Selling Yourself Short"

So I've been thinking about some of the effects that these years of food and body obsession have had on my life. I've let it limit me for so long and sold myself short in many, many ways. Being so self-conscious and self-loathing has definitely affected my ability to create and maintain relationships. It’s caused anxiety, obsession and caused me to settle for far less than I deserve.

I'm constantly comparing myself to other people in terms of who’s fatter. It disgusts me even to admit to that but it's true, even with my closest friends and family. It's sick. I'm even debating right now if I actually want to admit to that in an open forum but at this point I think I really just need to be 100% honest and open with these thoughts and feelings. It's not any easy thing for me to do since I've been keeping so much of this stuff in for such a long time. This isn't who I want to be.

For the past four years I've essentially been living in a transitional period. “When I loose the weight I’m going to…” But what was I really expecting to be at the end of those ellipses? I’m going to be comfortable with myself? I’m going to start living my life? I’m going to be happy? I don’t know if I’m alone here but it seems to me I’m not. The more conscious I become of how out of whack my own thinking was (/is?), the more I notice that same imbalance in others. Not in a judgmental way, but in an “I’ve been there and I want to help you” kind of way. I want to open up discussion about eating disorders and body image, to help people on the outside understand their loved ones who have suffered and struggled with these issues. I want to help other ED survivors understand themselves. Hell, I want to understand MYself.

I know I need to talk about this stuff in depth with someone. I need to “come out” to my friends and family but that idea still really scares me. First of all, I don’t even know how to bring it up. Secondly, I definitely don’t fit the stereotype of someone with an eating disorder. Not sure if that even makes sense but somehow in my head it does. Like I don’t have the right to claim an eating disorder because I’m not thin enough??? I don’t know. I don’t want them to worry about me, to pay attention to what I eat, to talk about me behind my back, to feel alienated from me, confused by me or think I’m crazy. I think that just about covers it. I don’t know, I just don’t know.